Empty

I feel incredibly empty.

My bank account is in critical number.
My encouragement is low.
My mind is empty.

I kept running away through movie binging.

So many weeks till I can't even bring myself to think brightly.

I don't know what I want in life.
I don't know what do I have to do to get out of all these years of rut.
I don't know how to perform better, except to force myself to.
I don't know where to start.

I want to start doing things slowly.
I felt I've been in a rush in my entire days.
I thought I have to always been productive, so I have to keep myself busy, but at the end I'm busy of doing unproductive things. I've been avoiding meeting people, go exercise, etc. with an excuse that those activities are wasting time, however....
I know I couldn't get things done as quick as I hope and currently don't like the discomfort of putting effort in work, so I ran away instead into movie binging or other insignificant stuffs.
I even ignore every other important things such as taking care of myself.
I didn't shower, I didn't put skincare, I didn't sleep enough.
I continuously rolling down without knowing how to pull the break.

I am so afraid to not doing nothing.

I even stopped praying, as it is a stop- and being quiet time.
I didn't dare to stop.
I can't go to sleep, just because I can't have a quiet time. So I would watched something till I'm dead tired and go to sleep.

I've been busy running aimlessly all these time.
I don't want that anymore.

Today, I stopped.
I want to start with being a snail.
Do things slower.
Absorbing what's been going on.
Be mindful with what I'm doing.
I promise myself that will be kind to my snail-self.
I will start to taking care of myself.
I don't want to let myself down again with breaking promises I made to myself.

Let's start with today!
I will stopped thinking about any other things and start with writing down what I need to do.
I will pray for this, help me God!
Amen.

19.11.19